him

For anyone who hasn't heard yet, my great grandpa went into the hospital last Thursday.

He had heart failure because of pneumonia that settled in his lungs. His swallowing reflex is weak and when thin liquids reach the back of his throat he doesn't have that signal sent to his brain that tells him to swallow. So he chokes, or it does down the wrong pipe, which is probably how he got the pneumonia in the first place. So they are thickening his liquids and now he really isn't eating. So to put it bluntly, he will get weaker and die. He told my mom that he doesn't think he will make it to his birthday (which is 13 days from today) and that he's is ready to go.

But I'm not.

Any of you who know my great grandpa know what an absolutely wonderful, interesting, stubborn, elaborate and adorable 95 year old he is. He will keep you occupied for hours with stories about the war or just lecturing you on life. He loves his family more than anything else in the world, especially his girls. He puts everybody's needs before himself, which drives us crazy. He is so stubborn though. Wonder where we get that from? hmmm.. and he loves to exaggerate; it's so adorable. I just can't imagine living in a world without him in it.

This has really consumed my life the last week, I think about him constantly when I'm not in Bolivar at his side. My mom is running crazy trying to cope, and even though we have the most supportive friends and family, this is going to be rough. He is my mom's REAL dad, not the man who is on the birth certificate. He is my REAL great grandpa, not the man who is just has the title out of obligation. He is the kind of person you get jealous for not being able to know him before you were born. The kind of person that will brighten your day when everything else sucks. He is the person that will call you on your crap but laugh it off 5 minutes later. He respects the military and treats women like princesses. He is old fashioned. He loves his ball games. His favorite things are Altoids, chocolate, and grape nuts. (Not together of course) Never tell him what to eat, because he's been alive almost 96 years and knows what to eat to live that long :]

I know I've had selfish thoughts lately.
I want him to see my in my wedding dress.
I want him to meet my children and hold them.
I want him to live.

I.

But I know that if God needs him then it's his time to go. And I have to learn to accept that. No matter how selfish my thoughts get I have to keep it clear in my mind that if he's ready then I need to make sure that his last few weeks here with me are the best of his life. I need to make him comfortable and love and hug on him as much as possible. A daily reminder.

Thank you to my friends who have been to supportive. I love you guys and you don't know how much I need you. I didn't know how much I need you.
Love,
Lauren Elizabeth
Grandpa's Lizzy